A beggar once more...

I thought these days are over... but I was wrong.

I am back to begging... back to humiliating myself... just so I can provide sustenance, education, and a decent life for my kids.

And I know it won't be long when the number of friends I have will be reduced further... because nobody likes a parasite.

I honestly thought I'm through with and I can once again rebuild my self-esteem.

I was wrong.

Sanity hanging on a thread

How much can one really take? Just how much is too much?

When life’s been hitting you so hard… so many and so often, you don’t even know where they’re coming from, how do you stay up? How do you fight?

For your sanity, at least.

The line “I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough” from a famous song may sound cliché but isn’t that a familiar predicament that we have been once… twice… or most of the time?

That no matter what you do, you just can’t make heads or tails of what life gives you. It doesn’t matter how good the cards in your hands are, you are bound to lose… and how!

Sometimes you wish that the rule of alternates is true – after darkness, there’s light; after evening, there’s a new morning; bad luck, good luck; blacks, whites; lose now, you’ll win eventually.

But then you’ll notice that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to be optimistic about life, there’s just too many bad lucks than good lucks; there’s a longer losing streak than there are winning; and oftentimes, all you really do is lose!

Then you’ll ask, “Is this even fair?!”

How much can one hold on? How long can one stay strong?

Is it a series of tests that you need to pass… and eventually fail?

How long can one stay sane?

Is it even worth the fight?

I wish I were an idiot

Sometimes I wish I were an idiot. Stupid. A dumb person who doesn't know anything. Dumber than the two guys from the Dumb and dumber movie.

Then maybe... just maybe... maybe I would have a more peaceful life. Because if I were such an idiot, I will just accept anything and everything that is handed down to me . I would not react, I would not ask, and definitely, I won't do anything.

Then I won't get into trouble running into selfish individuals whose self-serving motives do not even consider the plight of other people.

I wouldn't mind being taken advantage of because I would not know.

I wouldn't mind being taken for an idiot because I would not know, and in fact I am.

I wouldn't care if I didn't get my way and my rights. It wouldn't matter.

There wouldn't be any chaos. I wouldn't cause too trouble that could even harm other people just because I thought they deserved better, because I would not know that.

How peaceful can that be?

Really, I wish I were an idiot.... or maybe... I already am.