You said everything will be fine... (re-post from REFLECTIONS)

You said that once this is all over… everything will be fine. Everything will go on as we wanted them to be.

No more worries, no more pains, no anxieties… just plain bliss. But then… it isn’t really exactly what we thought it would be.

Yes maybe, it’s a little more quiet here… perhaps too quiet. And there’s a little less stress. But silence doesn’t necessarily mean peace, and the absence of stress doesn’t mean there’s calmness in my heart.

Barely a month since you’ve been gone, honestly I actually thought that it will be just fine. That I’ll be able to go on, take care of the children, continue to achieve all our dreams that we never seem to realize and eventually make you be proud of me.

I was wrong!

Aside from a poem and this lousy essay – I haven’t really accomplished anything!

I know that now, there’s nothing stopping me to fulfill all our dreams, for the children’s sake. But while there’s nothing stopping me – there’s really nothing and no one pushing me either!

It’s just not the same with you gone! I’ve never been so lost and confused.

You won’t be back, that’s a fact.

But realizing that fact is not helping a bit. I know I have to move on, I know I have to do something, but I just can’t.

I thought I can.

For a couple a days I was fine, taking care of the children, trying so damn hard to fill the emptiness.

It didn’t actually take long for reality to sink in – YOU’RE GONE AND NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN.

No, I’m not blaming you or anything, I understand that you really need to rest. You have done so much for us, we can’t ask for anything more.

Remember when you told me that you were only being a burden to us because you really can’t do anything? Do you remember what my reply to you was?

“Your being here with us… here for us… is already enough.”

There is no better time to prove the truth in that statement than now.

With you being gone, no matter how hard we try to accept it, is just not the same.

NOTHING AND NO ONE can fill the empty space that you left us.

I MISS YOU!

Maybe that’s all I really wanted to say…

I thought I was prepared for this…

even if we have really accepted long before that it will eventually come to this…

even if I accepted the fact that this is the best for you…

it’s really not just the same now that it has come to be.

Soon maybe, things will be fine.

But right now, I’m sorry Mama… it is not.


Roy
March 12, 2008
7:58 PM

Real life

There's less than three minutes left in the game, we are down by two points. Only one three-point bomber will win us the game. I know I can do it, I'm up to the challenge! I can take the pressure!

If only I could have the ball. One shot is all I need.

The clock is ticking! The game is winding down! One shot! I got to take it!

If only I could have the chance! Ten seconds left!

Still no shot!

Five... four... three... two... one!

It's all over!

We lose by a shot.

I saw it all.

From start to finish... from the bench.

Maybe, I watched too much of Mighty Ducks, Karate Kid, Race the sun, and other underdog movies, wherein the most underrated, the most unlikely person - the underdog, suddenly rises to the occasion, perform a huge, almost impossible task, and come-out as a hero.

How many times have I dreamed of that? To be the main man! The real deal!

Then suddenly, it snaps!

I'm back to reality!

The bitter reality! Where I am a nobody!

Well, I'm not really a loser. But honestly, I don't really feel anything near to that of a winner. I had my moments of glory, sure I do. But they are too insignificant! Nobody, even I, don't remember them.

I have experienced defeats. Lots of times! I mean most of the times. Falls, frustrations, rejections, humiliations, name it! I think I am the exact personification of the word loser.

Come to think of it, loser is not the word, FAILURE is the more appropriate term.

I failed those who believe in me. I even failed myself!

That's why I often retreat in my own created world. A world where I am never a failure. A world where I can do anything that I want. A world where everybody looks up to me, where people love me, where I am always a winner.

A do-it-all, Mr. Reliable, the one who always delivers, where my mere presence brings inspiration to all those around me.

A world where I am always safe and unharmed.

Please don't touch me. Don't shake me! DON'T WAKE ME UP!

I am about to be given a VICTORY RIDE!


(an old article I wrote way back in 2004... )

Hollow Sympathy

Do I hear them calling?
Do I hear them crying?
In hunger... in pain...
I see them...
In the cold, crying
The aged and homeless,
street children roaming,
begging... pleading...
alms... anything to spare...
I can see them...
I can hear them...
I was touched,
seeing them, hearing them,
yet... I do nothing

-------------------------------
Roy
December 5, 1989
5:20 PM
Angeles City
Philippines