I was a beggar

I was a beggar.

It’s something that I’m not really proud of, but I was that.

No, I didn’t go to the streets asking everyone I meet for some loose change nor did I knock on every door asking for pity and any amount to spare.

I was at my home, call or texting friends, former officemates, distant relatives, and even new acquaintances, if they can lend me some money so I can take my wife to her dialysis session.

And it was a recurring incident, that I honestly saw myself then as a beggar – for alms, sympathy, and even prayers. I’ve thrown away any inhibition and pride that I have for the sake of my wife.

But while I’ve accepted my fate, I didn’t want to stay with it.

I don’t care about the humiliation, the cold shoulders, the insinuations that I am an opportunist and an abusive friend, and all sorts of words thrown at me, and behind me. I don’t give a damn about what other people think. All I wanted then was for my wife not to miss any session.

And while I beg, I worked. I tried to find ways to help myself.

Sometime I got something, that could tidy us for a few days, but it’s not enough. It doesn’t provide a permanent solution.

What’s funny though, is that every time I stumbled onto something good… every time I get little successes… every time I get a little bit happier… someone would come and try to ‘put me in my proper place’

He would always make me feel that since I was miserable… I should stay miserable.

Now, I am far from the ‘beggar’ that I used to be… too far from being a success, but at least, no longer a beggar.

In my own little way, I managed to stand up, inch by inch… slowly.

Please, let me stand… let me grow… spare me from your negative outlook in life.

I was a beggar… but now, no more.

I don’t want to stay miserable… I REFUSED to stay miserable…

I am struggling, yes… but I am fighting.

Short

just to pass
and let this blog move
no subject
no theme
no intention
just a short post
to fill
an otherwise
empty blog

Everyone is wiser...

"You should get out more often!"

"You need to get a real job"

"You know, you really need to consider marrying again... you need someone to be with when your kids already have their own family"

"You need to move on..."

Why is it that everyone seems to be wiser? Everyone seems to know better.

Telling me how to run my life... like I'm not doing the right thing, or as if I'm not doing anything!

Maybe they meant well... or maybe do know more!

Honestly, these give me doubts on myself... like I don't know how to run my own life.