Sunday, November 6, 2011

What does "not yet ready" really mean?

"I'm not yet ready"

What does that phrase really mean? I've been hearing it quite too often lately… and it's irritating. When does a girl mean when she says she's "not yet ready."

Does it mean…
- "actually, I could use a little diversion except that you're not just my type"
- "you could be good… just give me some time, say… two years to never"
- "I'm not really looking right now, so why don't you be a bee and buzz off!"
- "I'm not ready and that's just that. Do not complicate things further, okay? They're already harder as they are now."

And so on… and so forth…

Doesn't make sense really,  to me at least.

Don't bother. Nothing makes sense to me anyway.

Monday, October 24, 2011

A Poet's Curse

A Poet's Curse
by Roy dela Cruz

Verses don't just happen
They don't float in the air
And picked up by the poet
To be pasted on his paper

They are dug deep within
The core of the poet's soul
So you sometimes hear a faint heartbeat
As you read each and every verse

Yes, each line of the poem
Is a part of the poet's pain
A parcel of his being
Or even the core of his existence

Such is the curse of the poet
To go through all those pains
And breathe out through verses
All the pains that have been felt

Verses don't just happen
They are part of a poet's curse

October 23, 2011
9:27 p.m.
Angeles City

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Kill Me Now!

Kill Me Now!
by Roy dela Cruz

Kill me now!
Let go of that guillotine
It's been hanging above my head
for too long
Why prolong the agony?
The anticipation
is worse than the pain
Haven't I suffered enough?
Do you really find joy
in seeing me suffering?
What have I done?
Can't you grant one last favor?
Put an end to all of these

September 7, 2011
6:00 p.m.
Angeles City

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I Resign

I Resign
by Roy dela Cruz

I've pushed pawns
Jumped like a knight
Even made connections
With towers and bishops

But no matter how I try
I just can't win the game
I blinked after I've moved
And found myself at the losing end

I have made sacrifices
One too many
But they always end up
Blunders that killed me

I can't go on always losing
I'm really tired of playing
And so I toppled my king
There's no sense in fighting

September 7, 2011
7:05 p.m.
Angeles City

Monday, August 29, 2011

Empty pockets of a poet

Empty pockets of a poet
by Roy dela Cruz

bills are due
tuitions too
I need to write a poem

can life's worries
be vanished in verses?
not a chance!

at least I was able
to do something
from something where
I can't do anything

verses don't pay bills
money does
I got too much of one
and none of the other

August 29, 2011
8:15 p.m.
Angeles City

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Online discount coupons

I have not really tried buying anything online, yet. But there were times I was curious and would really want to try it. However, I am very much weary. You know, safety and security concerns. Is it really safe? Right now, I am contemplating to buy shoes online and so I searched the net for any site or information about it.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I looked at the mirror...

I looked at the mirror
and I didn’t like what I see

Battles encountered along the journey
Reflect on the lines on the face
Golden linings upon the crown
Show the travel wasn’t a light one
And the eyes… the eyes speak
More than what the lips dare say

All of these can be hidden
By a jovial mask
A robe of achievements
And a tough armor of apathy

But once all alone
And all pretensions gone
The dragging of the feet continues
As fatigue starts to set in

I looked at the mirror
And I didn’t like what I see
While everybody can be fooled
Unfortunately, mirrors…
… mirrors don’t lie

July 9, 2011
5:40 p.m.
Angeles City

Sunday, May 29, 2011

One-night stand

And just for a night
I was bigger than my shadow

It felt good to be loved

Everybody wants to be near
or even just get a glimpse

It felt good to be loved

Flashes coming from all sides
as I pasted that requested smile

It felt good to be loved

Overwhelming, is just too pale
to describe the sensation then

It felt good to be loved

The evening halts... morning came
and suddenly, it was all too quiet

Yes, everything is back to normal

But at least, for a single night
I was able to experience the dream

And it felt good to be loved

May 28, 2011
1:10 p.m.
Cubao, Quezon City

*written the day after the book launching

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Empty shells of accomplishments

If all of these were only happening four or five years ago, I would have been the happiest man, because I would have beside me the proudest wife there would be in the world.

I knew she would been have happy and proud. I just knew she would.

But now, all of these seem bare and empty.

True, I am enjoying the accolades… the acknowledgments… the affirmations.

Honestly, I don’t understand why I tarried… why it took me so long.

Now, things that I only used to dream of are within my reach.

I should be happy.

I am, actually. To be honest, I am.

But once nighttime sets and silence prevails… the truth shouts itself… I am alone.

With no one to share all these accomplishments with… with no one beside me who would have been proud… for she’s already in another place.

Going on, I must. Because such is the norms of life... to continue the trek, to go on with the journey… and continue to accomplish more… accomplishments that all seem like shells – colorful and attractive… yet empty.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Last night was painful...

Last night was painful. I had another bout with the flu. I was literally crying in pain because every joint in my body ached. And  the softest wind brought me chills and even more pain.

It’s like I was not myself last night. It seemed I was talking nonsense, as I was crying in pain. But I knew I was calling out to my wife last night, calling on her to take care of me like she used to do. It was painful, all over. She was the only one I knew who can make me well.

Of course, I know that is impossible. Because no matter how hard I cry nor how loud I call, she won’t be coming back.

But what made it even more painful was that my son left the house to be with his friends, even if I asked him not to leave because I wasn’t feeling well. I’m not mad at him, I understand him… but it was painful, very painful.

As I was crying in pain, I can’t help but think if I’m such a bad father. I wanted my family to be intact. For my kids to look after each other when I’m gone. For them not to put anyone before their siblings. But it looked like I failed.

My son came home early, though. That I have to appreciate.

But last night was really painful… very, very painful.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Looking for more online opportunities

I have always been searching for online opportunities, even before by blogging days. I have tried paid online forums and also those pay per click marketing that many of my online buddies have been spreading buzz about. Some of them are actually true, but I learned early on that nothing was really easy. I have always believed on the saying, "If something seems to be too good to be true, most probably, it is."

But that should not be enough to discourage one from searching online opportunities. One has to be really patient though, if he wants to find them. It is not easy, like what I said, nothing is really easy. As for me, I found my "money bag" so to speak in blogging... writing that is. It does not really bring me fortunes as other bloggers make, or claim to make. It does keep afloat, though.

From time to time, I still get back on those paid forums or pay-per-click opportunities, especially during bouts with writer's block.

If you are looking for online opportunities, find out which one works best for you. There are other online affiliates marketing as well. Be sure to read the details, especially the "fine prints" and study if you can really do them. Some takes time, but if you are patient enough to learn, you can thrive on those online money-making schemes.

Monday, March 28, 2011

May this not be something serious

A recurring fever that is gone one day, and then back again in less than a week's time. A feeling of being sleepy after a few minutes in front of the computer, and a tingling pain in my wrist everytime I operate my mouse. And I didn't mention yet the cough and the cold... and headache too.

Psychological? I hope so.

It's not good. And the more I become aware of it, it really doesn't feel good. I remember on my last visit at the hospital last January, I had a 150/100 BP (or was it 150/90?).

Have a check-up would be the most reasonable answer. I know it is. But back in January, I was employed, I had health card. I didn't pay a single centavo. Now, unemployed and all, why would I want to waste good money on the doctors? Especially now that I have two kids graduating, one in elementary and one in high school. Soon, would follow the enrollment of three kids.

Honestly, I am down to my last few bucks, and I really do not see any windfall coming anytime soon. Fact is, after the graduations of my two kids, we could just go home and have dinner like it was an ordinary night.

Blame me, as if I am not doing anything!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Why a gray REFLECTION?

I could have chosen a different color, a livelier one.

Or I could have chosen the more formal color of black, like the first cover I designed. It has more personality… character… attitude!

But why did I choose gray for REFLECTION?

I was really vent on sticking it out with color black – dark, just like some of my poems are. But as I was designing the layout, for some reasons, the combination of the color of the text and the background didn’t appear right to me.

I tried other colors. Nothing appealed to me.

Gray was a last option.

And it felt nice – the REFLECTION appeared fine to me.

So, I choose it.

All I need now is to justify my choice, just in case someone asks.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Hey Cupid! Yes, you!

Okay cupid, now listen to me
I’m done with Santa, and he ain’t too dear
Surely a disappointment
And I wasn’t even naughty, you see.
Even the Grim Reaper wasn’t spared
He got some lashing too
For a simple request he can’t grant
Or maybe he’s just too uptight
The Tooth fairy wasn’t on my list
Don’t have a molar to spare
I sure don’t want a Kodak moment
With a smile that has spaces in-between
The Easter Bunny’s yet too far
Guess he’s still fixing his pointed ears
Or maybe hiding from them hens
Whose young ‘uns he just eggnapped.
Now then can you blame me for turning to you?
If you got something up your sleeve
Why don’t you give it a go?
Do them arrows really work
Or d’you just get them from the depot?
What kind of poison did you immerse them?
Are they lethal? Do they even kick?
Are they pointed, do they pierce?
Or they’re just suction cups at the end?
It’s just me trying to be funny here
But prove to me your being stupid just a cliché
Do your work and aim those arrows
Okay, I’ll be nice and I will say… please?

February 14, 2011
2:42 p.m.
Angeles City

Friday, February 4, 2011

What was meant to be...

Two hearts... separated
by time.. distance... circumstances
growing separately
but never really growing apart

A story painted with the stars
and written in the book of love
of bringing together what should be
when the moment is already right

Two hearts... reunited
by time... distance... circumstances
now growing together
and never to grow apart

Two hearts... now beat as one
just how it should have been
as it was written in the stars
because the moment is right

February 5, 2011
1:35 p.m.
Angeles City

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

My blood pressure and my present state of mind

And so I realized that I am a mortal after all... and aging at that.

Because of a stubborn headache I have been feeling these past few days, plus a pain in the nape, I went to a nearby hospital for a checkup.

Lo and behold, my fear realized - my blood pressure was 140/100. The doctor asked me when did I start getting the high blood pressure. I said I do not know because I really do not have my BP checked. The last I had it was March of 2010 and it was normal at 120.

After giving me medicine, which eventually normalized my BP and lessened the pain I'm feeling, the doctor said I should monitor my BP. If possible, have it checked everyday.

And my present state of mind? I guess, it what's really caused everything in the first place. Being so down and depressed... and pressed for time, there is really nothing going right for me and I guess my body can only take so much of my mind's working 24/7 because of worrying.

So, will the hospital visit make me stop worrying? I don't know. But the diagnosis definitely added to my considerations.

What's next?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Looking good in medical uniform

Of course, when we were young, we would like to dress up and assume another personality. Whether it be a superhero or anybody at work. I guess, things do not really change through the passage of time. Though I have not gotten into the profession, I have often wondered if I would look good wearing medical uniforms and I would really look like a medical personnel.

If I would have an extra budget, I would really try to find store where a can find nursing scrubs on sale or maybe even doctors scrubs, and of course I would be looking for cheap affordable ones. After all, I am not really into the profession, just trying to live out one of my childhood fantasies.

And after being in the medical scene, maybe I would try another profession... a fireman, perhaps?

Friday, January 7, 2011

"What's that on your face?!"

"What's that on your face?! Is that a frown?"
"Or have you just eaten a big-sized sour gum?"
Too funny, I'd say. Well, it was at the start
'til it began to prick, like a dull but stubborn dart.

If you're looking for honey, you won't find it from a cheese
some men weren't really born to please.

Try as I might, to put the smile that you want
but that dull and lousy face keeps on blocking the shots.
Should I wear a mask? Like the clown that I am
and make you all happy, and all these ridicule begone.

I really don't care, really don't give a damn
whether you say it in my face, or say it at my back
No, I won't take it against you, but I won't be obliged too
Not even if you offer me a bribe or two

Whether it's a frown or an effect of a sour gum
or it could even be a Monalisa turned upside down
but that's all I got, that's all that there is
some men weren't really meant to please.

January 7, 2011
6:59 PM
Angeles City

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Why I closed my checking account

Before the previous ended, I went to my bank on last banking day to close my checking account because of their policy that did not really fit right with me - it is the bank's policy to charge account holders P100 every month if they did not get their bank statements. I am quite surprised, really. They are the only bank with such a policy.

My account is only an individual account, so unlike company checks who maintains a lot of money in their account, that P100 debited from my account each month I was not able to get my bank statement is really a big deal for me. But it is not really the money, it is the disagreement with such a policy which I believe is very self-serving and anti-client.

But like they always say, no matter how stupid I may think such policy is, it is still the bank's policy -- regardless of how their clients feel about it. So, the only solution for me was to close my account. I am sure, the bank would not mind. I really do not have that much in my account, I just used it once when I needed postdated checks as collateral for a loan.

I wonder how many more banks have such policy.