Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I was a beggar

I was a beggar.

It’s something that I’m not really proud of, but I was that.

No, I didn’t go to the streets asking everyone I meet for some loose change nor did I knock on every door asking for pity and any amount to spare.

I was at my home, call or texting friends, former officemates, distant relatives, and even new acquaintances, if they can lend me some money so I can take my wife to her dialysis session.

And it was a recurring incident, that I honestly saw myself then as a beggar – for alms, sympathy, and even prayers. I’ve thrown away any inhibition and pride that I have for the sake of my wife.

But while I’ve accepted my fate, I didn’t want to stay with it.

I don’t care about the humiliation, the cold shoulders, the insinuations that I am an opportunist and an abusive friend, and all sorts of words thrown at me, and behind me. I don’t give a damn about what other people think. All I wanted then was for my wife not to miss any session.

And while I beg, I worked. I tried to find ways to help myself.

Sometime I got something, that could tidy us for a few days, but it’s not enough. It doesn’t provide a permanent solution.

What’s funny though, is that every time I stumbled onto something good… every time I get little successes… every time I get a little bit happier… someone would come and try to ‘put me in my proper place’

He would always make me feel that since I was miserable… I should stay miserable.

Now, I am far from the ‘beggar’ that I used to be… too far from being a success, but at least, no longer a beggar.

In my own little way, I managed to stand up, inch by inch… slowly.

Please, let me stand… let me grow… spare me from your negative outlook in life.

I was a beggar… but now, no more.

I don’t want to stay miserable… I REFUSED to stay miserable…

I am struggling, yes… but I am fighting.


jan geronimo said...

Sometimes those who put you to task, saying nasty things, are opening themselves to scrutiny. Upon closer inspection it's they who are beggars. Still living in their destitute minds, can't move on. I dare say that's the real bankruptcy of the spirit.

Roy said...

how true Jan... how true...

Jena Isle said...

Very well said Jan. Don't mind those who put you down, because they're just insignificant persons who're trying to catch your attention. Don't give them that satisfaction. Keep going.