You said that once this is all over… everything will be fine. Everything will go on as we wanted them to be.
No more worries, no more pains, no anxieties… just plain bliss. But then… it isn’t really exactly what we thought it would be.
Yes maybe, it’s a little more quiet here… perhaps too quiet. And there’s a little less stress. But silence doesn’t necessarily mean peace, and the absence of stress doesn’t mean there’s calmness in my heart.
Barely a month since you’ve been gone, honestly I actually thought that it will be just fine. That I’ll be able to go on, take care of the children, continue to achieve all our dreams that we never seem to realize and eventually make you be proud of me.
I was wrong!
Aside from a poem and this lousy essay – I haven’t really accomplished anything!
I know that now, there’s nothing stopping me to fulfill all our dreams, for the children’s sake. But while there’s nothing stopping me – there’s really nothing and no one pushing me either!
It’s just not the same with you gone! I’ve never been so lost and confused.
You won’t be back, that’s a fact.
But realizing that fact is not helping a bit. I know I have to move on, I know I have to do something, but I just can’t.
I thought I can.
For a couple a days I was fine, taking care of the children, trying so damn hard to fill the emptiness.
It didn’t actually take long for reality to sink in – YOU’RE GONE AND NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN.
No, I’m not blaming you or anything, I understand that you really need to rest. You have done so much for us, we can’t ask for anything more.
Remember when you told me that you were only being a burden to us because you really can’t do anything? Do you remember what my reply to you was?
“Your being here with us… here for us… is already enough.”
There is no better time to prove the truth in that statement than now.
With you being gone, no matter how hard we try to accept it, is just not the same.
NOTHING AND NO ONE can fill the empty space that you left us.
I MISS YOU!
Maybe that’s all I really wanted to say…
I thought I was prepared for this…
even if we have really accepted long before that it will eventually come to this…
even if I accepted the fact that this is the best for you…
it’s really not just the same now that it has come to be.
Soon maybe, things will be fine.
But right now, I’m sorry Mama… it is not.
March 12, 2008