Old medical records...

Rummaging through old documents... trying to organize papers... I chanced upon old medical documents. These papers though, unfortunately, brought sadness and pains. They were my wife's lab results, medical certificates, prescriptions, and other records... and these brought back the pains of the days when she was still with us... suffering.

Now, I don't know what to do with these... should I throw them or should I keep them?

I want to throw them away cause I don't want to see them anymore... I don't want to be reminded of my wife's sufferings. I only want to remember my wife's happy memories. But I'm not sure if I should really dispose them.

Don't want to keep them... don't know if I should throw them....

This blog's turn to announce EntreCard....

To take a break from my rants and whines... I'm posting here the New EntreCard Features!

Okay, maybe I'm just doing it for the 2,000 EC credits... but who doesn't? Every EntreCard member, whether they admit it or not, does it for the same reason. Besides, it worth posting anyway.

The new feature allows members to add new blogs without the need to create a new account. Unlike before wherein the number of accounts you have corresponds to the number of blogs you registered with EnreCard. Now you just need one account and register all your blogs under the same account. If you already have other blogs with EnreCard, you can easily link them together. Now you can just switch between blogs and drops cards and post adverts at whim!

What's more, they came out with the Official EntreCard E-Book! To guide both new members and old alike... and it's FREE! So download it now!

Overqualified!

Since when do qualifications became liabilities? To me it has been a reality in more occasions that one. A licensed Certified Public Accountant, with eleven (11) years of working experience in a bank with Assistant Manager as my last position, computer literate, with sales and marketing experience as well - yet I can't get myself hired! Because I was told that I am overqualified!

I can't understand why my credentials and experiences suddenly became my liability! Maybe I should understate myself, but that would mean fabricating stories to fill in all those years in between. Otherwise, it would appear that I didn't do anything! Making me unqualified to take on any job position!

Honestly, I believe that overqualified is just a sugarcoated term for over-age. Yes, cause here in the Philippines, you can't find a job when you're already over 30 years old. That is direct discrimination I must say, but in order to avoid being accused of such, human resource departments used the term overqualified.

Another theory I can think of is insecurity. Superiors wouldn't want to handle nor supervise subordinates they know are more qualified and knowledgeable than them. I know this, because one time I was asked if it was okay if I'll be supervised by people younger than me. I said yes, because I have professional work ethics and doesn't look at the age of my superiors but perform my duties diligently whether or not I am supervised or not. But they thought otherwise.

Applying for an executive position, they would stare at you from top to bottom and doubts your capability. Yet if you would apply for a lower position - I'm even willing to work at the starting point in a company, be it a clerk or a receptionist, they would stamp your papers overqualified.

Come on! Give me a break!

She still could've been with us now...

This little device was actually the reason for everything. What was suggested to be a solution became worst than the initial problem. This is a peritoneal catheter - implanted in my wife's stomach for us to able to perform peritoneal dialysis in lieu of hemodialysis. They say this was the best solution... and the better alternative... but then...

Doctors know best... or so I thought. My wife was advised to convert from hemo to peritoneal due to a number of reasons. Her stomach never returned to it's normal shape due to ascites... her fistula, as they say would 'explode' anytime as it is already in worse condition... for her weakening body, it's best for her to stay at home. And most importantly, patients who were converted to peritoneal dialysis were able to recover quickly and were able to live and move normally.

But what they didn't tell us was my wife's condition as far as the operation for the implanting of the catheter was concerned. In the first week, everything was fine. We did the sessions at home, no diet restrictions - to the delight of my wife, and she was able to move much faster than before. But on the second week, leaks began to flow where the catheter was inserted... when we went to the surgeon, we were told that her skin are already too thin and might not really be able to hold the fluids leaking from her body. But he said, give it another week or two for the wound to be finally healed.

But it didn't happen... things got worse..............................

I'm sorry, I can't finish this blog......

Maybe I'm not cut for blogging

Paid blogging that is! Applied for some which offers opportunities to earn thru blogging... but somehow my blogs doesn't get the nod. Is it because my blogs are lacking in commercial substance? Actually, it's because of too few entries in my blogs... and quite long intervals in-between. So I'm told. Yes I know... it's their prerogative.

I can't for the life of me understand why I should write 20 blog entries within a span of 90 days! Such criteria I believe is too shallow! Looking for quantity rather than quality! Maybe I could do that, after all I'm unemployed. I just have to blabber everyday - nonsense or not, at least it could add up the number. Still, too shallow a criteria for me.

Maybe I should just copy any articles from the net and post it on my blogs - that would qualify me for the quantity as there are far too many articles to pick up from the web. But copy-paste isn't my style. I'd rather write my own... no offense to those who does copy-paste. I guess it would be just fine as long they give credits to their source. Unfortunately, I've read lots of them who owned the articles they post when it is very obvious that it wasn't their original. AND THEY GET AWAY IT! Is that what problogging means?

Anyway, if I wasn't cut for it - so be it. Maybe someday I could learn to divide my emotions in two topics, or maybe three even! Just to be able to satisfy the quantity factor. Just as of now, it will be just as it is... my blogs... my own.

I could use that $50!

Well, it’s not that I need that $50 very badly! The heck! I do need it very badly! What $50 am I talking about you might say? Well, I stumbled upon this contest for bloggers wherein you will have a chance to win $50, just by writing! Isn’t that great! I just blog about the subject and then I’ll be $50 richer! That is, if I win of course.

The irony of this is that, for me win that $50, I should announce it in my blog so I could encourage other bloggers to join in as well – yes, I should invite more competition. Hey! It’s the rule! If we don’t like the rule, either we don’t join or just create our own contest. But as for me, right now I need that $50!

As I was saying, there is this contest at Entrepreneur Life that gives everyone a chance to WIN $50 Cash Money just by blogging. Just click the link to see all the details of the contest which would end on May 19 by the way. With the winner to be chosen by Johnny Logan himself, the owner of Entrepreneur Life. His blog isn’t that bad! A quick browse at his pages would show great articles that even a whiner like me could appreciate! So what are you waiting for? Jump right in and join the prey!... err, fun I mean.

Do me a favor though, don’t make your write-up too good. At least, give me a fighting chance, okay?

I can't believe I just turned 40!

I can't believe I just turned 40! Not because I don't want to, but because I don't have anything solid to back-up that 4 decades of existence! What have I done? Have I been sleeping all these years? What proof have I got to show that I did something in those 40 loooong years?

If only I turned 40 earlier, I could have something to brag about... I had a decent job, a house in my name, a loving wife and 3 lovely kids, with friends surrounding me everywhere! But now, at a time that I have to be 40... I am without a house of my own, and more often than not I am delayed in the payment of my rent, causing an irate landlady to almost evict us from her apartment. My wife has already given up in her fight with ESRD and I am partly to blame because I can't sustain all her medications. My 3 kids alternately got sick because I don't know how to take care of them! And my friends? Did I say I have friends? My bad... I'm not really the friendly type, that's why... maybe I drove them all away.

They say life begins at 40... what?! You mean I'm just starting out?! I'll be damned! Does it mean that there are more to come? What then is to become of me? of my kids? If I would have my way, this would all be easy... it could end it all right here, right now! Unfortunately, it's not that simple, that would be too much of a selfishness. I have to consider the kids, whom I promised my wife to take care of.

So, after 40 years that ended in nothing... will there be more nothings to expect in the coming years?

I'll be damned!

Job 3:20-26

Why let people go on living in misery?
Why give light to those in grief?
They wait for death, but it never comes;
they prefer a grave to any treasure.
They are not happy till they are dead and buried;
God keeps their future hidden and hems
them in on every side.
Instead of eating, I mourn, and I can never
stop groaning.
Everything I fear and dread comes true
I have no peace, no rest, and my
troubles never end.

Some father I'm turning out to be!

I was really wrong! I thought right intentions could very well carry me into carrying the task... nothing could be more stupid than that thought! Because the truth is, I am clueless on what to do next! Some father I turn out to be!

I thought everything would be easy, since I've been doing it for the last 15 years! But now, I just don't know where to start! I don't even know where I left off!

Two children getting sick in two weeks. Not even constant medicine reminders could speed up their recovery. I guess I really lack the mother's touch that magically heals an ailing child. No matter how hard I try, I know, I can't be their mother.

Did I mention that I'm not working? So I am with them, 24/7! There's really no excuse for me not to be able to take care of my kids! Haven't been able to feed them decent food lately - mostly fried, instant, canned, take-outs and others whatchamacallit! As I really don't know what to cook without my wife giving me directions.


Now, as I go on... I really don't know where to go. I'm worried about my children. I pity them for they have me as a father. They deserve more! I have lots of dreams for them, I do. But it seems I really don't know how to get it for them, and instead vent out frustrations on them. I hope I could do more... stupid of just creating more stupid blogs!

I really wish I could be a better father to my children.

Born Loser... Am I?

Another failed interview... another self-analysis. In less than a week I will be 40... not the best age to apply for a job, unless I get myself qualified for executive positions. Which of course, I am not. Where would I be going now? What are my options?

They say when you're down, there's no way to go but up. That's what I thought too. But when you thought that you are at your lowest, you will begin to feel that you are sinking... deeper... lower than low... and lower still. Until you will come to realize that down and low are such infinite words. What you thought was the worst, is the actually just the tip of the iceberg.

This isn't my first failure. Nope, I've had one-too-many of them failures and loses, that I sometimes believe that I was born to fail. What others thought was a great achiever is actually a failure. Yes, some people do believe that I'm a great person, that I can accomplish so much. That I'll be successful someday, if I'm not yet successful now. I inspire them, they say. I am such a strong person.

Those were actually the opposite of the truth. A facade that I somehow manage to project... yet can't carry on. What they thought was a winner is actually a born loser! In every sense of the word! I am the personification of the word failure! Just look at me! Four decades of non-achievement and without a legacy to leave to my children.

I was told once by somebody that... "People say, every business you put up was a failure." Those words were not even half-lies. They were absolute truth. Whoever said that might have seen me trying to make something... and every time, I failed.

I am not special... I have no inspiring or success stories to share. Maybe the best that I can do is that to show you what you should not be for you to become successful.


May 3, 2008
1:03 AM
Angeles City


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