Is it asking too much? To dream of a harmonious family. It's bad enough that I have to carry on by myself, the least that I need are quarreling children... over petty things.
Am I really that too bad of a father, not to be able to instill on my kids' hearts enough love for each other.
Maybe I don't really deserve it.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I'm trying to be strong
I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying my best, acting like I really do not have any problems. Like I can face anything.
But I can't.
How I wish every time I sleep that when I wake up everything magically fixes itself and it's a better world for me and my kids.
I know that won't happen.
Prayers? I have lots of that. In fact, I breathe it.
I'm trying to be patient... or maybe I am the problem.
It sucks to be alone when this feeling comes to you.
I hope tomorrow will be better.
Wishful thinking.
But I can't.
How I wish every time I sleep that when I wake up everything magically fixes itself and it's a better world for me and my kids.
I know that won't happen.
Prayers? I have lots of that. In fact, I breathe it.
I'm trying to be patient... or maybe I am the problem.
It sucks to be alone when this feeling comes to you.
I hope tomorrow will be better.
Wishful thinking.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
When will this end?
Sometimes I wish... all of these could end instantly... at this very moment.
If only I was just living for myself...
If only I was just living for myself...
Monday, November 12, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
And I thought I had friends...
I have many friends... or so I thought.
I am not the type who would abuse friends or ask them for help... unless there is really nothing more that I can do.
You know what's funny? When people tell you that they are always there for you... that you got a friend... they got your back... that you will never be alone... you believed them.
Until such time that you actually need them.
That's when you find out that you have always been alone. They were there for you because they can get something from you.
Honestly... I thought I had friends.
I am not the type who would abuse friends or ask them for help... unless there is really nothing more that I can do.
You know what's funny? When people tell you that they are always there for you... that you got a friend... they got your back... that you will never be alone... you believed them.
Until such time that you actually need them.
That's when you find out that you have always been alone. They were there for you because they can get something from you.
Honestly... I thought I had friends.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
A beggar once more...
I thought these days are over... but I was wrong.
I am back to begging... back to humiliating myself... just so I can provide sustenance, education, and a decent life for my kids.
And I know it won't be long when the number of friends I have will be reduced further... because nobody likes a parasite.
I honestly thought I'm through with and I can once again rebuild my self-esteem.
I was wrong.
I am back to begging... back to humiliating myself... just so I can provide sustenance, education, and a decent life for my kids.
And I know it won't be long when the number of friends I have will be reduced further... because nobody likes a parasite.
I honestly thought I'm through with and I can once again rebuild my self-esteem.
I was wrong.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Sanity hanging on a thread
How much can one really take? Just how much is too much?
When life’s been hitting you so hard… so many and so often, you don’t even know where they’re coming from, how do you stay up? How do you fight?
For your sanity, at least.
The line “I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough” from a famous song may sound cliché but isn’t that a familiar predicament that we have been once… twice… or most of the time?
That no matter what you do, you just can’t make heads or tails of what life gives you. It doesn’t matter how good the cards in your hands are, you are bound to lose… and how!
Sometimes you wish that the rule of alternates is true – after darkness, there’s light; after evening, there’s a new morning; bad luck, good luck; blacks, whites; lose now, you’ll win eventually.
But then you’ll notice that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to be optimistic about life, there’s just too many bad lucks than good lucks; there’s a longer losing streak than there are winning; and oftentimes, all you really do is lose!
Then you’ll ask, “Is this even fair?!”
How much can one hold on? How long can one stay strong?
Is it a series of tests that you need to pass… and eventually fail?
How long can one stay sane?
Is it even worth the fight?
When life’s been hitting you so hard… so many and so often, you don’t even know where they’re coming from, how do you stay up? How do you fight?
For your sanity, at least.
The line “I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough” from a famous song may sound cliché but isn’t that a familiar predicament that we have been once… twice… or most of the time?
That no matter what you do, you just can’t make heads or tails of what life gives you. It doesn’t matter how good the cards in your hands are, you are bound to lose… and how!
Sometimes you wish that the rule of alternates is true – after darkness, there’s light; after evening, there’s a new morning; bad luck, good luck; blacks, whites; lose now, you’ll win eventually.
But then you’ll notice that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to be optimistic about life, there’s just too many bad lucks than good lucks; there’s a longer losing streak than there are winning; and oftentimes, all you really do is lose!
Then you’ll ask, “Is this even fair?!”
How much can one hold on? How long can one stay strong?
Is it a series of tests that you need to pass… and eventually fail?
How long can one stay sane?
Is it even worth the fight?
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I wish I were an idiot
Sometimes I wish I were an idiot. Stupid. A dumb person who doesn't know anything. Dumber than the two guys from the Dumb and dumber movie.
Then maybe... just maybe... maybe I would have a more peaceful life. Because if I were such an idiot, I will just accept anything and everything that is handed down to me . I would not react, I would not ask, and definitely, I won't do anything.
Then I won't get into trouble running into selfish individuals whose self-serving motives do not even consider the plight of other people.
I wouldn't mind being taken advantage of because I would not know.
I wouldn't mind being taken for an idiot because I would not know, and in fact I am.
I wouldn't care if I didn't get my way and my rights. It wouldn't matter.
There wouldn't be any chaos. I wouldn't cause too trouble that could even harm other people just because I thought they deserved better, because I would not know that.
How peaceful can that be?
Really, I wish I were an idiot.... or maybe... I already am.
Then maybe... just maybe... maybe I would have a more peaceful life. Because if I were such an idiot, I will just accept anything and everything that is handed down to me . I would not react, I would not ask, and definitely, I won't do anything.
Then I won't get into trouble running into selfish individuals whose self-serving motives do not even consider the plight of other people.
I wouldn't mind being taken advantage of because I would not know.
I wouldn't mind being taken for an idiot because I would not know, and in fact I am.
I wouldn't care if I didn't get my way and my rights. It wouldn't matter.
There wouldn't be any chaos. I wouldn't cause too trouble that could even harm other people just because I thought they deserved better, because I would not know that.
How peaceful can that be?
Really, I wish I were an idiot.... or maybe... I already am.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
An Interview With Myself - Part 3
It's been a while, with both the first interview and second interview taking place almost four years ago, this blog deemed that the time is most appropriate for another interview with myself.
And why not?! It's not like I haven't talked to myself before. So let the interview roll.
Me: Hey buddy! How are you doing?
Sugar Coated World (SCW): (surprised) Huh?! Looks like somebody's in a good mood today.
Me: Why shouldn't I be?! There's no reason not to be in a good mood!
SCW: Yeah. Like you can fool me, I know how devastated you felt when you learned that…
Me: Hey! Don't you dare mention her name!
SCW: Why? You have qualms mentioning her name in your letters.
Me: And don't give clues!
SCW: So, does that mean you're no longer going back to that hospital?
Me: I said stop that!
SCW: Okay! Okay! Let's just continue with this good mood. I might as well take advantage of it… even if I know it's just pretend.
Me: (sigh)
SCW: Well, it's been a while. The last time we talked was in 2008. And some of my brothers are no longer with us now. I hate to say this, but I miss them.
Me: Yeah, I miss them too. But there's nothing I can do about that. Their host suddenly folded up without warning and I was not able to save them.
SCW: I hope that won't happen to me
Me: Nah! I don't think Blogger will let that happen.
SCW: So, let's get down to business, shall we? A lot have happened in those four years! I mean, look at you now! You got black hair again!
Me: Must you really mention that?!
SCW: (laughs) Hehe… sorry bro, can't help noticing it. Okay, the last time we talked your blog was featured in Rated K in Channel 2, and now here we are again with a longer exposure of your letters blog, complete with your life story on TV5's Real Confession. You're really getting famous bro! I'm proud of you!
Me: Cut that out! I'm not famous. Nobody recognized me. I hardly looked like Wendell Ramos hahaha… besides, that was shown November of last year, we are already on the second half of 2012.
SCW: Because we never had the chance to talk last year. I bet, you made a lot of people cry again with your story.
Me: Dude! You know I'm not all for that! I did not write the script! I did not act in the story! They just featured a story based on my life story and the story behind my letters! I do not go out intentionally making people cry!
SCW: But I meant that as a complement! Geez! Why do I keep on forgetting that I'm talking to Mr. Sensitive here?
Me: What did you just say?!
SCW: Nothing. So, how were the feedbacks?
Me: My friends who watched it said it was a nice and touching story. A couple of friends sent me text messages telling me that I made them cry. Again, that was never my intention.
SCW: Of course it's not! And how were the attention after. Did people start recognizing you on the street after that?
Me: Ironically, and fortunately for me, there were less viewers on the TV5 show because it was just the pilot episode and does not really have a following yet. Other than my friends who I informed about the schedule, nobody really knew about it. So I was able to walk on the streets the next day without being conscious.
SCW: Maybe there are others who watched it but were not really aware that the story was about someone who was just within the neighborhood.
Me: Maybe, especially since I just appeared at the last part of the show.
SCW: Anyway, at least it's all good. You shared your story and your feet are still on the ground… I hope.
Me: Of course they are!
SCW: And your book, before I forgot. Congratulations! Your poetry book REFLECTION finally became a reality! I'm proud of you bro!
Me: Thanks! Yes, finally my dream came true last year. I was able to publish my poetry book REFLECTION and got some positive feedback as well. Most of them, of course, are from friends.
SCW: Maybe, but I'm sure there were some from people who do not really know you.
Me: Yes, there were a few.
SCW: See! What else have we forgotten? Ah yes, two speaking engagements last year! The first one in iBlog7 and another in the awarding of the winners of a short story writing competition. You're on a roll bro!
Me: Well, random things. They can happen to anyone, you know.
SCW: I heard you brought the house down in your talk on writer's block in iBlog7, and your inspirational talk in SM Clark during the awards night wasn't so bad too. In fact, you even got an affirmation sometime later, right?
Me: The writer's block talk, I got carried away. I honestly didn't expect that I would have that kind of reception. But I enjoyed it. The talk on SM Clark was just an ordinary talk, or so I thought. Until a lady approached me in the mall after a few months and said she was inspired by my talk. Isn't that awesome! People listened to me!
SCW: Of course they would! You got more than blackened-white-hair on top of your head bro!
Me: Really now.
SCW: (laughs) Sorry, Freudian slip hehehe….
Me: (rolls eyes)
SCW: Before we wrap up this interview, can you tell me what's next? I mean what are your plans now? What can we expect from you this year and the years to come?
Me: Hmm… I just completed my compilation of short stories and hope to publish my short stories book this year, hopefully before September ends. Then, work on my next book which is Kapampangan poetry, and maybe start work on REFLECTION 2, also on a book about being a single father, a short novel maybe and then, write more books. I also wish I can finally get original songs recorded and played on the mainstream this year. I do have lots of plans. I hope I can focus myself and accomplish all those plans.
SCW: That won't be too hard, I guess. You did it once, you can it again… and again… and again.
Me: Thank buddy!
SCW: And thank you very much for this nice conversation! Any last words?
Me: Yes, are you sure nobody's looking? I really feel stupid doing these interviews.
SCW: (whispering) Don't worry, they won't notice.
And why not?! It's not like I haven't talked to myself before. So let the interview roll.
Me: Hey buddy! How are you doing?
Sugar Coated World (SCW): (surprised) Huh?! Looks like somebody's in a good mood today.
Me: Why shouldn't I be?! There's no reason not to be in a good mood!
SCW: Yeah. Like you can fool me, I know how devastated you felt when you learned that…
Me: Hey! Don't you dare mention her name!
SCW: Why? You have qualms mentioning her name in your letters.
Me: And don't give clues!
SCW: So, does that mean you're no longer going back to that hospital?
Me: I said stop that!
SCW: Okay! Okay! Let's just continue with this good mood. I might as well take advantage of it… even if I know it's just pretend.
Me: (sigh)
SCW: Well, it's been a while. The last time we talked was in 2008. And some of my brothers are no longer with us now. I hate to say this, but I miss them.
Me: Yeah, I miss them too. But there's nothing I can do about that. Their host suddenly folded up without warning and I was not able to save them.
SCW: I hope that won't happen to me
Me: Nah! I don't think Blogger will let that happen.
SCW: So, let's get down to business, shall we? A lot have happened in those four years! I mean, look at you now! You got black hair again!
Me: Must you really mention that?!
SCW: (laughs) Hehe… sorry bro, can't help noticing it. Okay, the last time we talked your blog was featured in Rated K in Channel 2, and now here we are again with a longer exposure of your letters blog, complete with your life story on TV5's Real Confession. You're really getting famous bro! I'm proud of you!
Me: Cut that out! I'm not famous. Nobody recognized me. I hardly looked like Wendell Ramos hahaha… besides, that was shown November of last year, we are already on the second half of 2012.
SCW: Because we never had the chance to talk last year. I bet, you made a lot of people cry again with your story.
Me: Dude! You know I'm not all for that! I did not write the script! I did not act in the story! They just featured a story based on my life story and the story behind my letters! I do not go out intentionally making people cry!
SCW: But I meant that as a complement! Geez! Why do I keep on forgetting that I'm talking to Mr. Sensitive here?
Me: What did you just say?!
SCW: Nothing. So, how were the feedbacks?
Me: My friends who watched it said it was a nice and touching story. A couple of friends sent me text messages telling me that I made them cry. Again, that was never my intention.
SCW: Of course it's not! And how were the attention after. Did people start recognizing you on the street after that?
Me: Ironically, and fortunately for me, there were less viewers on the TV5 show because it was just the pilot episode and does not really have a following yet. Other than my friends who I informed about the schedule, nobody really knew about it. So I was able to walk on the streets the next day without being conscious.
SCW: Maybe there are others who watched it but were not really aware that the story was about someone who was just within the neighborhood.
Me: Maybe, especially since I just appeared at the last part of the show.
SCW: Anyway, at least it's all good. You shared your story and your feet are still on the ground… I hope.
Me: Of course they are!
SCW: And your book, before I forgot. Congratulations! Your poetry book REFLECTION finally became a reality! I'm proud of you bro!
Me: Thanks! Yes, finally my dream came true last year. I was able to publish my poetry book REFLECTION and got some positive feedback as well. Most of them, of course, are from friends.
SCW: Maybe, but I'm sure there were some from people who do not really know you.
Me: Yes, there were a few.
SCW: See! What else have we forgotten? Ah yes, two speaking engagements last year! The first one in iBlog7 and another in the awarding of the winners of a short story writing competition. You're on a roll bro!
Me: Well, random things. They can happen to anyone, you know.
SCW: I heard you brought the house down in your talk on writer's block in iBlog7, and your inspirational talk in SM Clark during the awards night wasn't so bad too. In fact, you even got an affirmation sometime later, right?
Me: The writer's block talk, I got carried away. I honestly didn't expect that I would have that kind of reception. But I enjoyed it. The talk on SM Clark was just an ordinary talk, or so I thought. Until a lady approached me in the mall after a few months and said she was inspired by my talk. Isn't that awesome! People listened to me!
SCW: Of course they would! You got more than blackened-white-hair on top of your head bro!
Me: Really now.
SCW: (laughs) Sorry, Freudian slip hehehe….
Me: (rolls eyes)
SCW: Before we wrap up this interview, can you tell me what's next? I mean what are your plans now? What can we expect from you this year and the years to come?
Me: Hmm… I just completed my compilation of short stories and hope to publish my short stories book this year, hopefully before September ends. Then, work on my next book which is Kapampangan poetry, and maybe start work on REFLECTION 2, also on a book about being a single father, a short novel maybe and then, write more books. I also wish I can finally get original songs recorded and played on the mainstream this year. I do have lots of plans. I hope I can focus myself and accomplish all those plans.
SCW: That won't be too hard, I guess. You did it once, you can it again… and again… and again.
Me: Thank buddy!
SCW: And thank you very much for this nice conversation! Any last words?
Me: Yes, are you sure nobody's looking? I really feel stupid doing these interviews.
SCW: (whispering) Don't worry, they won't notice.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Unworthy...
Typical.
They say they're not yet ready because of a failed relationship, and so you wait for the right time... only to find out that they have a new love.
It's not her. It's me.
I'm totally unworthy.
One thing I know for sure...
She will be the last woman I will ever love.
They say they're not yet ready because of a failed relationship, and so you wait for the right time... only to find out that they have a new love.
It's not her. It's me.
I'm totally unworthy.
One thing I know for sure...
She will be the last woman I will ever love.
Monday, May 28, 2012
He Avoids The Verse
He Avoids The Verse
by Roy dela Cruz
He avoids the verse
It should be put to rest
His emotions all locked up
And throws away the key
He goes out and faced everybody
Wearing the smile they wanted to see
While trying to contain his silent sighs
For not a soul would understand
The pain that is eating the man
Either they were concerned for him
Or they were annoyed by him
He stopped breathing nonsensical rhetorics
Which finally puts everybody at ease
His own pain notwithstanding
But at night, when everything’s quiet
Once hidden from everybody’s view
The pain screams out through his pores
For he is himself once more
But he cannot breathe it out
He vowed to never spread the pain
Withheld… locked… it will be
Thus, he avoids the verse
----------------------------------
May 28, 2012
12:49 p.m.
Angeles City Philippines
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
They won't remember your birthday... without Facebook
Today I just turned 44.
A few days before my birthday, I deactivated my Facebook account because of a very personal reason... and also I want to find out if anybody who were my friends, will remember my birthday (I know I have some 'real' friends there). I want to prove something.
Sure, I could just hide my birthday and there's no need to deactivate my account. Again, the birthday was only secondary, there's a different reason for doing so.
Anyway, I was right. Only a few remember - one was an elder from the community I belonged to who was holding the records of the birthdays of each member, and another was a friend who will never forget my birthday because he celebrates his birthday on the same day.
Really, what a big help Facebook was... reminding friends to be... well, real friends.
A few days before my birthday, I deactivated my Facebook account because of a very personal reason... and also I want to find out if anybody who were my friends, will remember my birthday (I know I have some 'real' friends there). I want to prove something.
Sure, I could just hide my birthday and there's no need to deactivate my account. Again, the birthday was only secondary, there's a different reason for doing so.
Anyway, I was right. Only a few remember - one was an elder from the community I belonged to who was holding the records of the birthdays of each member, and another was a friend who will never forget my birthday because he celebrates his birthday on the same day.
Really, what a big help Facebook was... reminding friends to be... well, real friends.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
White hairs everywhere
I had my haircut this morning.
I'm sure you know how it is with barber shops. As you sit on the barber's chair, you are facing a big mirror in front of you… and I had a good look of myself. Honestly, what I saw wasn't very encouraging.
White hairs growing everywhere!
Sure, it wasn't the first time I saw white hairs on me but they weren't as many before. They used to be only on the sides, those on top aren't very visible unless you take a closer look. But today, it looked like there are as much white hairs as there black, if not more.
Am I concerned? I'm not hypocrite. Of course, I am!
Let me make that clear - CONCERNED, not conscious.
How can that be different?
I really didn't care if I had white hairs.
But now that I have more white hairs, for sure… SHE WILL NEVER LIKE ME.
And it will never change.
I'm sure you know how it is with barber shops. As you sit on the barber's chair, you are facing a big mirror in front of you… and I had a good look of myself. Honestly, what I saw wasn't very encouraging.
White hairs growing everywhere!
Sure, it wasn't the first time I saw white hairs on me but they weren't as many before. They used to be only on the sides, those on top aren't very visible unless you take a closer look. But today, it looked like there are as much white hairs as there black, if not more.
Am I concerned? I'm not hypocrite. Of course, I am!
Let me make that clear - CONCERNED, not conscious.
How can that be different?
I really didn't care if I had white hairs.
But now that I have more white hairs, for sure… SHE WILL NEVER LIKE ME.
And it will never change.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Spit or Swallow?
Spit or Swallow?
by Roy dela Cruz
Spit or swallow?
What would you do?
When this question
Is thrown at you?
Are you going to consent?
Or turn your face the other way?
Are you going to give in?
Or pretend that you just don’t care?
Because it is inevitable
Relationships will soon come to this
Are you going to stand your ground?
Or would you consent just to please?
Nobody said it was easy
Especially if it’s something you don’t believe in
But when you are in a situation,
Are you going to spit or swallow?
...your pride, that is.
---------------------------------------------
June 7, 2011
1:44 p.m.
Angeles City
Philippines
by Roy dela Cruz
Spit or swallow?
What would you do?
When this question
Is thrown at you?
Are you going to consent?
Or turn your face the other way?
Are you going to give in?
Or pretend that you just don’t care?
Because it is inevitable
Relationships will soon come to this
Are you going to stand your ground?
Or would you consent just to please?
Nobody said it was easy
Especially if it’s something you don’t believe in
But when you are in a situation,
Are you going to spit or swallow?
...your pride, that is.
---------------------------------------------
June 7, 2011
1:44 p.m.
Angeles City
Philippines
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Suicide Is A Daily Agenda
Suicide Is A Daily Agenda
by Roy dela Cruz
It never fails
Part of my consciousness
From the time I rise up
‘til I shut my eyes again
The nearest exit
Always beckoning me
To take the escape route
And end all these pains
I am still fortunate
That sanity still prevails
Take control of myself
And see this through the end
But it never really fails
Like a daily agenda
I hope I can stand my ground
Fight the urge to surrender
-------------------------------------
October 27, 2011
11:57 p.m.
Angeles City
Philippines
by Roy dela Cruz
It never fails
Part of my consciousness
From the time I rise up
‘til I shut my eyes again
The nearest exit
Always beckoning me
To take the escape route
And end all these pains
I am still fortunate
That sanity still prevails
Take control of myself
And see this through the end
But it never really fails
Like a daily agenda
I hope I can stand my ground
Fight the urge to surrender
-------------------------------------
October 27, 2011
11:57 p.m.
Angeles City
Philippines
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